Friday, October 28, 2011

Still not sure

I don't know if I am going to continue. I really think I need to just accept being the size I am and give it up. I just can't seem to get behind the idea of working hard to lose weight when the rest of my life is crap. I do want to share one thing I saw last night in case anyone is actually still reading. There was this guy on the Tonight Show. I wrote him to say that I haven't decided if he is crazy or not and I mean it. Jury is still out since I am reading his blog entries. Other than that, life is still a struggle for me. I have to admit, I don't think I have ever felt this "depressed" in my life.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I know...I missed two

I have no excuse....or at least no excuse that is worth sharing. I am just being filled with a mounting frustration with myself. I am tired of having to study and struggle financially. I am tired of not being able to control my eating. I am tired of the "mystery" of why I am not losing weight. I am tired of not going anyplace fun. I am tired of whining like this.

I will admit that reading this post at least has given me something new to try. Of course, it won't help me doing the OTHER things I need to do in my life...there are still too many things going on around me and none of them will be over quickly. They will all take time to resolve and I am running out of patience.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Too many questions

I find it sad that at 43 I still am not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I should be crushing exams and focusing only on that. I can't quite do that it seems. I am constantly being distracted by other things. There are so many other interests that are pulling at me. I realize that none of things make sense in the short run (some of them are really just time wasters) but the hope I have is that in the long run they will pan out and be useful. I know I am being a bit vague. I am not doing that on purpose...I just don't want to get into all the details. A few examples though...this blog for one. I have always wanted to be a writer and I saw this as a potential "practice" place to see if I could ever reach that level. I also have these political comments in my head. I spend time helping others with their troubles so that could be a motivational/self help direction. I just don't know.

I almost feel like I have lost something inside. Maybe it is my imagination but I remember a time when I could make a decision and stick to it. I remember taking control of my life and heading in a direction. Now, I just act like a sailboat in waters with no wind...and it's pissing me off.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Thank God I remembered

I can't believe I almost forgot again. This isn't going to be of much use BUT I made it today.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

This sucks

For some reason I am having trouble trying to comment on other people's blogs. For example, I would love to comment on this post because I am really looking forward to seeing what Mike has to say since I am in the middle of my own no soda thing. I also have seen some other sites where I would like to comment but for some reason it ain't working. Oh well, I will survive. I do want to try to become more "visible" on the internet. I want to have a blog that people see and follow. Of course, to have that I need to figure out what the hell the blog is about.  I know I started it intending for this to be a record of my weight loss. As you can see...it hasn't been that at all. I started back in February and have not been that successful losing. I have lurched randomly it seems to different topics and subjects. I am beginning to wonder if there is even a point to this. I am thinking that I will stay the course for this month since I said I was going to but it is possible that at some point, I may just shut it down.

Man I am being depressing and whiny aren't I? I need to work on that.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Ally or Enemy?

So yesterday I talked about how the first day went and I couldn't go to eat breakfast. Well last night, my body wouldn't let me fall asleep until 5:30 this morning. I just wasn't tired and then all of a sudden, it felt like the strings were cut from a marionette. I couldn't keep my eyes open and fell asleep in the back room. I couldn't even get to my bed. I slept for 4 or so hours and have been up since. I have done this before so I can't say that this is directly related to my no "soda" rule but I was a bit "foggy" in the head yesterday. I believe that may be a side effect of the lack of chemicals.

I am bored with just water and unsweetened tea but I don't want to give up yet. I am wondering how long is "long enough" for this experiment. I know...some would say that this is a healthier way to live but if I don't see any benefit from it, I will be going back to diet soda. My new rule in life (or at least the new rule I am TRYING to follow) is that if it doesn't help me in some way...I don't need it. In this case, the lack of soda takes an effort that I don't want to make UNLESS I am gaining something.

I know...some may say that is backwards. I am not one of them and unless the "great masses" of the internet convince me otherwise, that is my plan and I am sticking to it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I may have an ally

I might actually have an ally in my "fight" to avoid "sodalike" drinks and eat better... my own subconscious. One of the deals I made with myself was if I did the right thing yesterday I would go to McDonalds for breakfast today. Now you have to understand that fast food breakfast...actually breakfast in general has always been one of my biggest temptations for two reasons. One, I just love all breakfast  foods. Omlettes, pancakes, sausage, bacon...I could go on but suffice it to say that I love them all. The second reason is that I have never been able to get into the habit of waking and wanting to eat before breakfast time is "over" most of the time. See, I have never been an early riser (unless I have to and even then I hate it) and when I do wake, I am usually not hungry for a while.

Well last night I had a bit of trouble falling asleep and it took me long enough so that I woke later than I thought. The time is passing for me to be able to go out to eat right now and since I'm not hungry...I guess I skip a day.

One down, 450 to go.

Monday, October 10, 2011

"Dry" day one

It has been a few hours since I woke up and this is the day. I am not going to have soda today. It is amazing how much of "quitting" things is in one's head. I am already "bargaining" with myself just like when I quit smoking. For those who have never experienced the phenomenon...what I call bargaining is the mind game of saying, "If I do X then I can have Y." "If I do A for two days I can then do B." The real trick though is to manage these "agreements" and then not bother cashing them in.

I don't want to drive myself too crazy about this though because I do have tests to pass and a life to live. I guess finding the right balance is the problem for us all.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Today is the day

I am planning on stopping the artificially sweetened drinks (ie. diet soda) as well as any sugary stuff today. I have been finishing whatever soda I had around to get to that point. Well I finished the caffeinated stuff first so I got to wake up today to my first caffine headache. I am really beginning to wonder why I am even bothering trying to get myself healthy. It just seems like I am going to have to put myself through so much crap and in the end, I may get hit by a bus anyway.

I certainly hope that in time I find all this crap to have been worth it.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Crap

So much for my posting once a day for a month. There is no excuse, I just screwed up and forgot. I didn't even think of it until about 12:30AM this morning...I had just woken up to go to the bathroom. I went to bed a bit early last night. I plan to try to keep the daily update up.

At least at this point I can sit back and say that I posted twice on the 6th so I could still have an average of one a day if I want.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

On a different note...

I have decided to run an experiment in an attempt to make some weight loss headway. I have been drinking diet soda for as long as I can remember. Regular soda has felt too sweet even back then. I've read some articles about the bad effects of diet soda and aspartame plus there have been a few times where I wasn't hungry...I would have some soda...and then I was hungry....similar to the "hunger" that I get when dealing with a carbohydrate "crash". I find it hard to beleive that my body can be THAT screwed up chemically but I don't know. I want to figure out if it is possible though. The plan is to cut out ALL sweetened drinks for a while and see what happens. Maybe this can provide the shake up I need to get the weight to started down like I want it to.

There's a lot to be said for "comfortably numb"

There are times when I think I have spent a great deal of my life "divorced" from myself. For many years it just felt like I was existing....letting things happen to me and slip passed them. I would let things roll off me. It made life easy. It allowed me to let the daily disappointments disappear. I miss those days.

For some reason, I am unable to be numb these days. I can feel my emotions percolating so close to the surface that my eyes water at times for the slightest of reasons. I have been looking over pictures and I can't contain it. I don't know why I am so sad/emotional right now. There have been many times when I would think that I would be more twisted up inside. For some reason...it's just tough right now.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Big Loser

If you have read all that I have written in the past, you may remember that I tried out for the Biggest Loser at one point. I was bitterly disappointed that I wasn't even called in to talk let alone, not picked. I still think that would have been an amazing opportunity for me. I think it would be great for almost anyone but I know me and I think under those circumstances, me being the attention hog that I am, I think I would have really shined on tv. I was so angry at the show that I haven't watched it since. I know it is petty and childish but I couldn't help it. Too raw...too sad. A lot of things in my life have been really sucking for me so this was just another thing to contribute to my dark mood.

Well, with working (even though it is part time) and being able to pass some tests and get some certifications back....the mood lightened enough for me to start watching again this season. It is still hard to watch. This season they are doing an age related theme and I would have been on the black team. I am watching their success and it still hurts. They just did NFL week. They worked out with NFL players and the person who lost the highest percentage won two Super Bowl tickets. I can't stand it. I think that would have been a huge carrot for me and I would have won the week if there was any way for me to do so.

I have to get over this mental block. I keep looking outside of me for help to lose weight. I keep hoping for some kind of motivation to come down to me from someplace and I know that isn't going to happen. I have to find that spark inside of me. I need to be able to get myself over the hump of starting. I need to control my eating. That is what keeps me heavy. I know I could exercise more and be much more active but that isn't why I am heavy. It is my gorging when I eat. I can go for a few days or weeks sometimes but in the end, the gorging comes. Whether it is a buffet or fast food or just something lying around the house...I start and don't stop until I am so stuffed, I have trouble getting up.

Why do I do that? What am I trying to get from outside of myself? Am I the only person like this? How can I stop it? Why is food such a drug for me? It is like I am addicted to eating and I am having the same problem when I was smoking. I tried so many times to "half ass" quit and it always failed. I would try to limit myself to a certain number of smokes but the number would slowly creep up. It feels like the same thing here. I want to just quit eating. I know that won't work long term but I almost feel like it is my only choice for the short term.

I also can't imagine me being able to do that anyway. This is where I am stuck. This is where I need advice or a coach. I know that I am just looking for things from outside me again but I can't find it inside right now.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Horoscopes

It's funny how I deal with horoscopes. I have always read the predictions and the personality descriptions. The Gemini thing does tend to be an accurate prediction of who I am but I have great difficulty believing that my future can be predicted. That doesn't stop me from following the advice when it is something I want to do anyway like today....says I should take it easy.

Now I planned on running 10 miles today but...oh well...horoscope says not to.

LOL

Monday, October 3, 2011

How what's bad for us is so much easier than what is good?

I am so tired today. I just want to go back to bed. I am not quite sure why I am so sleepy...I think I slept enough. I am just very tired all of a sudden. The problem is, going to sleep now wouldn't help me study and I might end up sleeping way too much. A wasted day would be too easy to follow.

Is struggling to stay awake any better though? All I know is it is much easier to just let the sleep happen and not worry about it.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

It's Amazing How Unfair Life Can Be

Now before anyone assumes that I am about to whine about something bad that happened to me, be quiet and don't....lol.

Actually, this thought kept crossing my mind most of the day yesterday because it was devoted to a charity walk that I went to for my oldest daughter. She has had ulcerative colitis for a long time and it has had major affects for that whole time. I didn't plan on donating to her because I really am still pretty broke (you all have no idea what has been going on....oh wait, that would be my fault because I haven't posted) but I was going to walk with her and her friends. Don't get me wrong...I was concerned that it would be too much for me considering how long it has been since I walked that kind of distance (5k)...especially since everyone I would be walking with (her friends) would be young whippersnappers.

Actually, I got through it pretty easily. Don't misunderstand me...I was a bit worried that I would wake to a blister or extremely sore legs or back trouble...but I worried for nothing. I felt pretty good today...but my daughter still has uc. I am in my 40s, very overweight, I smoked for a LOOONG time and I have abused myself in other ways like booze....and yet, I am in better shape than her in many ways. She just got bad genes (obviously from her mother...lol) and bad luck...and THAT is just not fair.